When I think about how my brain works during the day and the night, I realize how opposite I am. My brain comes alive at night, and just sort of buzzes during the day. Now, even though it's 10:00 at night, and I did have a coffee at 8:00 my head isn't more or less active right now.
I went on an interview today. For a job that would likely be considered a "grown up" job. Perhaps even a "career". I feel like it didn't go that well. After it was over (feeling like I was just a waste of these peoples time), a little voice inside was telling me I didn't really want this job anyways. Don't sweat it. I don't know if it was the fear, or the fact that I witnessed a car accident that morning, but I feel like I don't really want that "professional" life.
Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it was the fear talking. Or something worse. Because there was this other voice, holding fears hand, saying "you're not good enough to actually do this job so why want it anyways?"
It's extremely frustrating when my strongest insecurities take over my brain and I can't force myself to think any other way except negatively. I always get tangled up these two thoughts of; I'm too good for that, I could do way better. Fuck it. And, Don't even bother, dumbass, you'll fall and it'll hurt. Save yourself the pain, and just don't.
Honestly though I really need to stop talking about wanting to change and do something. Constantly contradicting myself but, it's not like I'm doing nothing. Maybe I should go to a doctor or something, make sure there's nothing seriously wrong with me. I'm sure there is, but what?
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