The reason I really hate talking about myself, or sharing ANY of my issues is because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I truly believe I should have no reason to feel sorry for myself or think bad thoughts about my life, because on the outside there's nothing wrong with me.
Sure, I'm kind of lumpy and unproportioned, and my face is a little funny, but I'm not THAT bad. I can walk and talk and I'm a totally capable young lady. I've proved multiple times that I'm determined and willing to put the work in to achieving a goal.
Lately though, I've been wandering around wondering "what the fuck even IS my next goal? What SHOULD I do next? What CAN I do next?" It's like I have all this built up energy to put towards my next chapter in life, but the pages are missing. Actually no. Not like they're missing. More like a few pages are Elmer's glued together, and I'm trying to peel those bastards apart to get some answers. Anything that can help me know, or understand what the hell I'm supposed to be doing here. I'm getting tired of asking myself the same depressing questions and reassuring myself with the same pretentious answers.
And yes I know... "yOu'Re YoUnG! YoU hAvE yOuR wHoLe LiFe To FiGuRe OuT wHaT yOu WaNt!" Yeah. Thank you Karen. For some reason though, I'm having a hard time accepting that.
Ahhh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit.
Now I don't like people telling me what to do, but could someone please do just that. I need an outside person to step inside my brain, take a look around (try not to throw up, pass out, or cry) and just tell me what they think I should do. Or just tell me what they think in general. I know it's a mess. Just tell me, I can handle it. Tell me it's scary, tell me it's like an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive, it's fine. At least I'll have some confirmation, or a second opinion.
Maybe I've never followed the rules, and maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not doing anything right, and maybe I never really have. I'd hate to say I'm living with regrets, but yeah, I have a couple. I think it's completely fine to have regrets. I used to be the type of person to be like "no regrets, because those choices led me to the person I am today blah blah blah..". Honesty though, if I could I would do a couple things differently. Say a couple things better. Not do a couple things entirely. But that's not how it work.
So I've been moving on, hoping I'm making the right decisions. Even if I don't, I'm hoping those decisions lead me to something else. Good or bad, anything I can grab on too and grow off of. Floating around out here has become tiring and a little scary.
Yeah, I'm lost but at least I'm looking.
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