On the outside looking in.
It's crazy how you can be so upset about someone's actions until you get put into the same situation and finally understand why they did what they did. There was a time I was so mad at someone I thought was being selfish and thought they didn't even care about me, only to later do the same thing they did. I realized that it wasn't them being the "bad friend", it was me. The fact that I wasn't more understanding of their choice to be reasonably selfish was me being a shitty person. Life is really fucked up, and many times you have to put yourself first. Even if it will put people you love in tough situations, it's what you have to do. Because at the end of the day it's your life, it's your future, and it's your well being.
It's so easy to immediately go straight to "oh fuck them! Do they not realize that I'm here too and that this affects me?" Because the truth is they ABSOLUTELY do realize how you'll feel, they will have you in their minds a little bit, but they just can't make their decisions off of you. Obviously if it's a life partner or relationship thing (I have no knowledge in #ForeverAlone) it's totally different, because it's the life you're sharing with someone you love. But in a friendship you have to do shit YOU think will be best for YOU and just hope that the friend involved will understand. Now that I've been on both ends I see how shitty I was. My friend was making life decisions that were scary and hard and I definitely was not making any of it easier. It was her time to be selfish and all I could think was "what about me?", and "how am I going to do this?" When I really should have just been supportive and figured my shit out quietly and not been such a bitter bitch.
It's hard to think of yourself first and make sure you do everything you can to be happy without harming people around you. But that's how it is sometimes. It just be like that. Also when you're young you're still figuring out how to be a friend and have loyalty and respect for people in your life. I mean, in my mind I'm still just a little fetus that makes a lot of mistakes and piss everyone off. I do vow though that, even if it takes me till I'm 45, all these irrational decisions I'm making will lead me to a better life. A happier life that when I'm ready will offer my friends and family a better person to be around. So I'm sorry to those I've been shitty to when they needed to be selfish and I didn't get that, AND I'm sorry to those that have been effected by my selfishness. It's all a waiting game, and I'm tired of playing.
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