All I'm really trying to do here is take all the thoughts and feelings I usually write down in my notes and never see again, and put them out into the world for anyone to read. Because, I mean, I don't to them anymore. I've done my time with this clutter in my brain, and hopefully someone out there can find some comfort in them and can know that they aren't the only ones thinking and feeling this way.
You see, when I go through an emotional break down moment and need an outlet, I open up my laptop and write down as much as I can. I word diarrhea all over the place, and try to get whatever's in my head out. And I've often thought "wow, you know what? This is some actual gold. These words right here, yeah, these are some good words." So why wouldn't I want to share them. Mind you, I do write ALOT of trash that never really makes any sense. I also, most of the time, go off track and never really have a point to why or what I'm writing.
Also some of my best work has come from 3AM writings in the dark during an existential crisis about things that are probably not that big of a deal. My favourite thing to do is worry about nothing and obsess over minor inconveniences. For some unknown reason my brain likes to remember tiny details about situations during the day and make myself feel bad about them.
Such as: "Why did you just say that like that? You sounded so rude, and that person probably thinks you're annoying now. They are NOT going to want to talk to you ever again." Add a little sprinkle of: "I don't care how cute you felt this morning putting on that outfit and your make up, everyone is staring at your acne and thinking you look lumpy in those mom pants." Mix in a dash of: "Honestly what are you even doing with your life? You can't even walk without tripping over air, how do expect anyone to take you seriously?" Smoosh all that shit up and put it in a mould of my brain and you basically have the perfect recipe on how to make me.
I know these are normal thoughts, and everyone has them...right? And I can tell myself that "no one is looking at or judging you as harshly as you make it up in your head, so stop worrying about so much" until the cows come home, but it never really silences how loud these thoughts can be sometimes. I think that's why I need to be constantly listening to music. Soft lo-fi jams that are just soft enough so I can't hear the negative background noise.
And so to conclude this long depressing blog I will end it with music recommendations that can help calm your anxiety or sooth your soul, just a little bit, maybe.
Any of These Channels on YouTube:
- cribblingdepression
- the bootleg boy (2)
- Feardog
- The Jazz Hop Cafe
- MrSuicideSheep
- Blurred
- Smyang Piano
Also A.Krishna has the best Ethereal mixes out there. 10/10 would recommend any of these Channels if you're gonna have a nice "sad boi hour" cry on the bathroom floor in the middle of a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
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